The lacking etiquette of the masses; a social guide to how to watch a film in public.

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Cinema isn’t an area that gets too much coverage here at Freeq but I thought I would make an exception as I was in a mood of such surly outrage that I find I couldn’t keep quiet about it. Seriously, just ask anyone I know.
So I went to the cinema the other day. I used to go all the time but having about a thousand things to write as well as both a day and night job meant I hadn’t been in a while. I am lucky enough to have a massive television at home with no less than 9 speakers in my living room so DVD’s were always a good second option.

Anyway, I wanted to see a film, so I thought I would go. I think my first mistake was to go on a Wednesday, or Orange (other mobile network providers are available) Wednesday as some of you may know it. Big mistake. If you like being surrounded by mindless drones who think they are all actually important and can a) not whisper and b) only TALK IN AN OUTSIDE VOICE then go to the cinema on one of these days. Don’t get me wrong, I think Orange, or anyone for that matter, trying to increase interest in the arts (in the loosest sense of the word) can only be a good thing. I suppose I am outdated in my belief that cinema is art, but going to the cinema isn’t.
It seems that people roll into the cinema and decide on a film to see based on what time they arrive. This is how some films that I would expect to have either a niche audience or at least be full of people that want to see that film in particular have actually been packed with people who see going to watch a film as a chance to catch up with the four people sitting next to them, and anyone else in the theatre who isn’t deaf. I worked up enough courage to loudly shhhhhhhh a group of girls who were talking away as if the film wasn’t already twenty minutes in. A reply of “shhhhhhh yourself” enabled me to insert descriptions of the girls into a small dark green notebook I have concealed on my person at all times, next to which I made a note of the horror that I would reap upon them and, in particular, their faces. I would do this in a large darkened room where people can get some popcorn and buy tickets to come and watch it, but then when they do, they talk amongst themselves in a moment of blissful irony.
1. If you are planning on going to the cinema, actually decide on a film you WANT to see and then go and actually watch it.
2. If you can’t get to see that film, go home. Otherwise, you will ruin the film that other people want to see by messing about, checking your phone every ten seconds even though no-one even likes you and making noise because you don’t care if you ruin a good bit.
3. Do some research. My friend Ste, who has one of those unlimited cards and subsequently watches every film released, told me that when he went to see Bruno that about 7 people left about 20 minutes in. What the hell did you expect? A serious look at European fashion? Basically, if you know that little about the film you are going to see, just stay at home. You don’t know anything about films, so don’t even bother trying
4. DONT check your phone unless you are awaiting results of an aids test. Whatever else it is, it can wait. You would be surprised how distracting a phone light can be in a dark room, although you shouldn’t be. Especially if you are sitting near the front, you think you might be the only one to see it, but I can promise that EVERYONE behind you is thinking “I wish that person with the phone would stop being such a d***”. Guaranteed.
5. If someone tells you to shhhhhhh, it’s for one reason – you are making too much noise. They aren’t trying to be a spoil sport, they are just annoyed that they have spent hard-earned money on a film they want to see being ruined by you and your four teenage friends who think everyone cares that your boyfriend told you he thought he thought your hair was nice even though you didn’t because you didn’t wash it that day but you thought it was nice anyway, wasn’t that nice of him to say? I thought so and also he like said he might give you a text later so you should just sorta check your phone...
6. If everyone is laughing it’s probably alright for you to laugh too. If everyone inhales in shock it’s probably ok to do that too. If everyone is weeping in some kind of sorrowfest then by all means help yourself too. But if you are the only person doing any of these kinds of things then you are ruining it for everyone else. And there is probably something wrong with you.
Cinema isn’t an area that gets too much coverage here at Freeq but I thought I would make an exception as I was in a mood of such surly outrage that I find I couldn’t keep quiet about it. Seriously, just ask anyone I know.

So I went to the cinema the other day. I used to go all the time but having about a thousand things to write as well as both a day and night job meant I hadn’t been in a while. I am lucky enough to have a massive television at home with no less than 9 speakers in my living room so DVD’s were always a good second option.

Anyway, I wanted to see a film, so I thought I would go. I think my first mistake was to go on a Wednesday, or Orange (other mobile network providers are available) Wednesday as some of you may know it. Big mistake. If you like being surrounded by mindless drones who think they are all actually important and can a) not whisper and b) only TALK IN AN OUTSIDE VOICE then go to the cinema on one of these days. Don’t get me wrong, I think Orange, or anyone for that matter, trying to increase interest in the arts (in the loosest sense of the word) can only be a good thing. I suppose I am outdated in my belief that cinema is art, but going to the cinema isn’t.

It seems that people roll into the cinema and decide on a film to see based on what time they arrive. This is how some films that I would expect to have either a niche audience or at least be full of people that want to see that film in particular have actually been packed with people who see going to watch a film as a chance to catch up with the four people sitting next to them, and anyone else in the theatre who isn’t deaf. I worked up enough courage to loudly shhhhhhhh a group of girls who were talking away as if the film wasn’t already twenty minutes in. A reply of “shhhhhhh yourself” enabled me to insert descriptions of the girls into a small dark green notebook I have concealed on my person at all times, next to which I made a note of the horror that I would reap upon them and, in particular, their faces. I would do this in a large darkened room where people can get some popcorn and buy tickets to come and watch it, but then when they do, they talk amongst themselves in a moment of blissful irony.

1. If you are planning on going to the cinema, actually decide on a film you WANT to see and then go and actually watch it.

2. If you can’t get to see that film, go home. Otherwise, you will ruin the film that other people want to see by messing about, checking your phone every ten seconds even though no-one even likes you and making noise because you don’t care if you ruin a good bit.

3. Do some research. My friend Ste, who has one of those unlimited cards and subsequently watches every film released, told me that when he went to see Bruno that about 7 people left about 20 minutes in. What the hell did you expect? A serious look at European fashion? Basically, if you know that little about the film you are going to see, just stay at home. You don’t know anything about films, so don’t even bother trying.

4. DONT check your phone unless you are awaiting results of an aids test. Whatever else it is, it can wait. You would be surprised how distracting a phone light can be in a dark room, although you shouldn’t be. Especially if you are sitting near the front, you think you might be the only one to see it, but I can promise that EVERYONE behind you is thinking “I wish that person with the phone would stop being such a d***”. Guaranteed.

5. If someone tells you to shhhhhhh, it’s for one reason – you are making too much noise. They aren’t trying to be a spoil sport, they are just annoyed that they have spent hard-earned money on a film they want to see being ruined by you and your four teenage friends who think everyone cares that your boyfriend told you he thought he thought your hair was nice even though you didn’t because you didn’t wash it that day but you thought it was nice anyway, wasn’t that nice of him to say? I thought so and also he like said he might give you a text later so you should just sorta check your phone...

6. If everyone is laughing it’s probably alright for you to laugh too. If everyone inhales in shock it’s probably ok to do that too. If everyone is weeping in some kind of sorrowfest then by all means help yourself too. But if you are the only person doing any of these kinds of things then you are ruining it for everyone else. And there is probably something wrong with you.